Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I’m not the woman you’re gonna marry. No matter how much at some time or another you’ve been in love with me, I’m sorry to say, it’s just not meant to be. I made that mistake once - I’ve learned that I’m not the marryin’ kind. I am a practice girlfriend. I come into your life suddenly, fall madly in love with you and therefore you will fall madly in love with me in a great whirlwind of blue energy. My emerald eyes and voluptuous curves will entice you. My free-spirit and spontaneity will hook you because you’ve never felt so free with a woman until you were with me. I’m laid back, never jealous, I like to fuck other chicks and that’s great in theory but it never happens because in all reality you want to own me. You want to contain me because it’s a chance to hold a moonbeam in your hand. I’m this supernatural goddess that hypnotizes you into believing I really am Botticelli’s Venus when I am in your bed. I’m affectionate and loving and serving and you can’t believe you found someone so amazing and that I would actually love you too, because in all reality, there’s something majorly wrong with you that will keep most decent women at considerable distance, like you live with your parents at 30 or you’re homeless or you weigh 400 pounds or you’re a five foot three alcoholic or you have a cracked out baby mama that you fight with in your front yard . . . I’ll look through all that and see that thing that’s worth loving, that thing that is purely, beautifully, truly you, that thing that most people don’t search for and I’ll love the shit out of it - I’ll love the way you tell me some deep intimate night that one time you had anal sex with a boy in the neighborhood, because let’s be honest, men, you’ve all done it once, and I’m the only one you’ve ever told and probably ever will tell because I’m so open about everything, I’m instant intimacy and you won’t know what possessed you to say it but you know I’m the safest person to tell (even though I’ll tell everyone that I know while we’re still together). Before too long we’ll be making plans in our heads of what colors the wedding will be and what we’ll name the kids even though we both know it was doomed from the start due to the fact that I am involved. You see, I’m a destroyer of men. I don’t mean to be but it just seems that every man who has ever gotten close has become a puddle of debt and self-hatred before we were through. You won’t even believe that I’m the same angel who could suck your cock better than it’s ever been sucked and then get up and make pancakes in the nude - but I morph into a different animal as soon as I feel restricted. I can take a man from five thousand in savings to twenty-five thousand in debt in less than six months and then decide I must go and be free because I was never meant to be a housewife or anything more than a flittering hummingbird going as fast as I can from resource to resource just to keep myself alive one more day. I’ll use you and take everything that I can and then I’ll smile in your face while I dig my hand up through your ribcage to take out your pumping bleeding heart and see if I can make a buck selling it on eBay. I won’t deny that I did anything wrong, I might even fully admit to fucking your D&D buddy but in the end - I just wasn’t what you thought I was. I’m a cleverly disguised ninja assassin in a goddess’s body, but I’m really not bad, I’m just drawn that way . . . I’m not a succubus, I don’t mean to hurt anyone, I just have to go in a different direction - to teach another man how to dress, how to fuck, how to open the car door every time all the time, how to have good hygiene, and most importantly how to live with a crazy bitch - because let’s be real honest right now: every man is an asshole and every woman is a crazy bitch - but see the thing about me is that I’ll only take six months to ruin your life whereas most crazy bitches take your whole lifetime, I’m the Reader’s Digest version of the someday girlfriend that will leave you in financial ruins after kids and divorce and sleeping with everyone at an office party. I’m the practice girlfriend, the one who you’ll look back on after all’s said and done and you’re once again broke and alone and you think, you know, she wasn’t all that bad . . . at least she was pretty, at least she was smart, at least she could fuck like a maniac and get good drugs, and she did love the shit out of me even though I didn’t think I was worth anything . . . At least she was sincere in her cruelty and at least she left me with the flat screen TV and a new washer and dryer and three thousand dollar mattress that she bought for me and she taught me a lot about myself and what I can handle and what I can’t . . . because you, you mere mortals, none of you will ever be able to lasso the moon, I’m a shooting star leaping through the sky like a tiger and you can’t fucking stop me, I’m not here to become your fantasy, I’m here to make you mine. I just want to love everyone in the world and if you try to hold me back, I’ll break free. Unnatural humans and their monogamy and their socially accepted behaviors created by this country’s unspoken theocracy keep all of you from being exactly what you should be: free - free to love everyone you want to in a lifetime and free to be honest with yourself about what kind of animals we are. But you’re not ready for that kind of lifestyle . . . I mean, what would the neighbors think? We’re taught from early on that our function in life is to marry and procreate while working at two jobs we hate to pay for a piece of the earth that we don’t really own and upon which a home has been built and we have to maintain the lawn . . . you just aren’t ready for the kind of freedom I expose you to in the short amount of time that you know me, like how the Ark of the Covenant melted the faces of the Nazis, you can’t even look at me and live to talk about it, but I can’t help it, I was made this way. I can’t be contained. So just know that it’s really not you, it’s ME baby, I’m a destroyer of men so don’t be ashamed, every man has to have at least one practice girlfriend, and I’m happy to give of my services, although they’re not exactly free.