It’s mid-afternoon on a Saturday
The piano man’s shift’s after mine
And I’m just playing guitar for the whores in this bar
’Cause that’s how I like spending my time

There’s a dirty old man sitting next to me
Putting semen-stained bills in my glass
And it just turned 2 PM a few seconds ago
But he’s already drunk off his ass

He says “Son, will you play me a melody
from the soundtrack to Evil Dead III ?”
And I ask him just what he’s been smoking as
His pants slowly fill up with pee

And the bartender talks to a prostitute
With her sweet but syphilitic smile
And I know there’s a cure and I half fancy her
But she’s twelve and I’m no pedophile

Now I’m just a resident guitar man
I’d get laid but lose all self-respect
So I keep playing the Army of Darkness theme
Because nobody seems to object

A policeman walks by oh just right outside
Making six men duck under the bar
And there’s usually one more but he’s not on the floor
He’s out back breaking into my car

And a stripper walks by right in front of me
I can’t resist giving her ass a slap
And I’d go further with her but she reeks of liquor
And she’d probably give me the clap

And the air reeks of Pall Malls and lubricant
And the microphone smells like beer
And two men wearing ski masks just strolled in the door
Which means shit’s ’bout to go down in here

So everyone runs for the exits
At least those that aren’t too drunk to stand
And I grab my guitar and make a run for the car
But those robbers catch on to my plan

They say “Hey wait a minute there guitar man
You can’t leave with your wallet in hand
Oh and give us your tips or we’ll shoot you down to the hips
’Cause it’s money that we do demand”

So now I’m out here on the sidewalk
And the cops only laughed in my face
And whereas before I had a gig - true, not one I could dig
Well now I’m just a total disgrace

So I’m just a lonely street musician
I hope you’ll throw a dime or a quarter my way
And I keep playing the Army of Darkness theme
’Cause that’s the only thing that I can play